I want to offer a special thank you to Roberta Bardin for writing her story of survival and sharing her letter to her abuser that she never sent to become a part of our “Abuse me. Why?” campaign to educate the public regarding abuse issues. These survivor stories and different forms of art are being publicized to help other survivors learn that they are not alone.
Here Roberta shares a bit about herself with us!
First I’m Roberta, I’m 51 and I’m a middle child, I have an older brother and a younger sister, also a younger brother who has no memory of me and breaks my heart. I don’t know what caused the abuse from my mom to start, it wasn’t till I was six before it began, till then I’d get in trouble and grounded. She never abused my little sister, I’d take the blame and get the beating instead, I didn’t want my sister to be hurt but I realize that she could of used a few spankings as she ended up spoiled, in every way. She grew into a narcissist, habitual lier, alcoholic and junky, she’s proud of prison and jail, we do not speak since my mom’s death, she and her problems aren’t mine and no I don’t feel guilty, she tried to have my kids taken from me when they’re dad left us, made threats against my daughter, lies about my brother, my conscience is clear.I recently wrote to my mom though she will never read it but the pain and anger is all to real and I feel justified in my feelings, I’d like to share it with y’all, I’m open for conversation about me or what you’ve gone through, what helped what didn’t
Here what I said to her, my mother, my abuser:
There’s something I always wanted to know and yet I’ll never have answers toWhy did you feel the need to abuse me, why did you hate me so bad, you always even as an adult told me you wish I hadn’t been born, should of aborted me, put me down, you demanded respect but did nothing to deserve it, hitting and hurting me didn’t me me respect you anyYou were never proud of me, ever, never said congrats on track trophies, you didn’t care, why would you when I wasn’t wantedAll I ever wanted was to be loved, supported, encouraged, wanted, needed but I was denied this all my lifeDo you know what that did to me, no, you denied ever hitting or even spanking, people believed you but I know, I’m an adult yet because of you I still feel unworthy, unloved, unwanted, my heart cries for what I can never have, your love, it would of meant the world to meWhy do you think I showed my kids how loved and wanted they were, I never wanted them to have doubts, I get grandpa abused you but you could if stopped it, not let it continue for another generation yet you didn’t did you, no, you decided to do the same despite having the same done to you.My dad was kept away from me out of spite, because he married and had at least one other child, my brother, yes I remember him. You saying he didn’t love or want me, well I know that’s a dam lie, you see Uncle Mike found us, he confirmed for me my dad loved me more than anything and wanted me, he told me stories of him, you should have told me where he lived, I won’t stop looking for him, everYou don’t even know I was ashamed of myself and you, my friends had at least one parent who loved them, that were involved in they’re lives, I felt like an outsider, I hid it well, they never knew, the only person who had an idea was a school employee, he guessed but I never admitted it, see I hid your secret most of my life,not anymore though, what you did is part of my story, my life, free to tellWhy did you have sex in front of me when I was so little and then not be mad when he asked if I wanted to join him, I didn’t know what he meant then but later I remembered it all, how could you, how could you allow adult men to hit in me when I wasn’t even old enough to understand, to laugh about it, tell me to use my body to get what I wanted in life, really, tell me to be a whore and a user but guess what, I’m nothing like that, nothing, I care for others, I cry with them, I use what I’ve been through to help others, you manipulated I give back, you took I give, you expected stuff, I earn it, you thought you were entitled, I know I’m not, see the difference in us? Where you stole, I bought, you chose others over your kids happiness, mom of the year my ass, to bad others couldn’t see the real youI wish I could tell and scream at you the way you did me, to get this anger out, to release the past, the pain, the words you spoke, the damage you caused me, all of it but I can’t say a word you’ll ever hearAt least my children never knew that side of you, the ugly, hateful, unloving you but me, I’ll try to move on, not let it hold me backI could have ended up like YOU but I thank God I didn’t, every dayPeople think your in heaven, I have my doubts, what did you do to deserve such a blessing?
Your daughter, Roberta
Again, thank you, Roberta Pardins, for writing her story of survival and sharing her letter to her abuser that she never sent to become a part of our “Abuse me. Why?” campaign to educate the public regarding abuse issues.
Please feel free to contact me anytime if you would like to become one of our featured survivors who has art, a song, or a story that would educate or lift the spirits of survivors across the globe.
Dr. Sandra Speer, Ph.D., CLC, CDRC, Legal Advocate
For 24/7 Support, & to attend our next FREE “Abuse me. Why?” Live Support Group, follow the link to our FB “Abuse me. Why?” Trauma Survivors Support Group.
Sandra Speer, Ph.D. is a world-renowned Author, Keynote Speaker, and Certified Life Coach and Disaster Recovery Coach who offers Seminars, Group and Personal Coaching designed to show all how to move beyond their past to live happy and successful lives. Dr. Speer knows from personal experience as a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, that recovery brings happiness and chances for unlimited success. As a Legal Advocate, Dr. Speer strives to ensure that abusers are punished. Nothing makes her happier than watching prosecuting attorneys go to jail, children return to their right parent, and individuals find justice with her assistance. If you need to charge, fight the system, or in need of making a complaint against a doctor, mental health practitioner, corporation, or institution; Dr. Speer has the experience needed to win your case. Her publications include The Remains of Hurricane Katrina with various articles written as a contributing journalist for educational books and publications, FEMA, and the American Red Cross to help all understand Trauma.