No, it can’t be. Not another cold. I have been sick for weeks. My body feels like it is falling apart. What is wrong with me, they tell me that I am a survivor.
There are days when I don’t feel steady on my feet. Sometimes even a bit dizzy. Not to mention the fact that I don’t seem to be able to digest food. Or, sometimes, I feel as if I can’t get enough food. What is happening to me?
Did I suffer abuse? I feel so confused, and now I am sick again. No, I don’t want to be sick. Am I trapped? Does my past own me? I am terrified. Almost glad to be sick. Good excuse to hide in my bed.
As what I thought was a fever broke, which allowed buckets of sweat to pour from my body, I again felt terrified. Was I getting better, or still sick? I know that I am alive. I am not cold, but I am shivering. What did I experience, did I break a fever, or feel something else?
Do I feel something? What happened to me? What do I smell? When was the last time I left my bed? When was the last time anyone cared that I left my bed? Why does that matter to me? What would kindness feel like?
I need to get up. Am I able to leave this room? Do I have a reason to get out of bed?
If this describes days of your life, or even weeks or months, you are a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse, who probably until now had the assistance of your ability to dissociate to protect you. Now, you can feel what is happening to you, and you are able to remember the things that occurred in your life, whether good or bad. You probably miss your protective shield.
Yet, having feelings is such a beautiful new experience that you begin to pay attention to what some of them might be trying to tell you. You enjoyed eating that piece of cake. You can never remember a bit of cake tasting so good; you could even taste the almond flavoring.
The other day, you heard the words to a song that you’ve enjoyed for years. But you never remember it meaning that life changes for everyone. You also seem to be hearing voices and conversations differently. Everything is taking on new meanings. For some reason, what used to be mysteries to you seem to be starting to make sense. These new feelings and meanings are frightening you. Why did it take you so long to learn these things? Is it too late for you to begin to understand so much about life? Why do people call you a survivor when you feel so much like a victim?
Then you decide that it is no wonder that you’re sick, and that your body deserves to be tired because of trying to live with all these new feelings. You realize exactly how tired you are. So, you do something else new; you decide to give your body a chance to heal. You allow yourself the opportunity to rest without feeling guilty for what you are not doing.
Then you begin to talk to your brain, “Brain, thank you for helping me wake up. What made you allow my memories to surface? Was it the shock of the last beating? Or was it the feeling of total loss or not understanding how any of it happened that caused you to unchain me from my abuser?”
Then recovery begins to make sense as you realize that whatever caused you to become a survivor, you understand now was the best thing that has ever happened to you. Something tells you that no matter how hard recovery becomes, you can look forward to whatever your future has to offer because it is filled with unlimited chances for happiness and success.
If you need anyone that understands what you are going through, contact me, Dr. Speer at any time. I have lived abuse and recovery, along with working my entire life to be able to help you as a Legal Advocate and Life Coach. My goal is to help you become “Unstuck” from your abuser and past so you can live a happy life.
Survivors congratulate themselves every day that they don’t give up on recovery.
Dr. Speer, CLC, CDRC, Legal Advocate, & Survivor
Sandra Speer, Ph.D. is a world-renowned Author, Keynote Speaker, and Certified Life Coach and Disaster Recovery Coach who offers Seminars, Group, and Personal Coaching designed to show all how to move beyond their past to live happy and successful lives. Dr. Speer knows from personal experience as a survivor of a lifetime of abuse, that recovery brings happiness and chances for unlimited success. As a Legal Advocate, Dr. Speer strives to ensure that abusers are punished. Nothing makes her happier than watching prosecuting attorneys go to jail, children return to their right parent, and individuals find justice with her assistance. If you need to charge, fight the system, or in need of making a complaint against a doctor, mental health practitioner, corporation, or institution; Dr. Speer has the experience needed to win your case. Her publications include “Terrorism Inside America’s Borders,” “The Remains of Hurricane Katrina” with various articles written as a contributing journalist for educational books and publications, FEMA, and the American Red Cross to help all understand Trauma.